Roselle Park Post

Pope Reveals He Was Slave Gladiator

April 16, 2014


Halfway through his Palm Sunday service in Vatican City, Pope Francis stopped addressing the crowd, threw down his palm gauntlet, and declared that he, in fact, was a former General who was targeted for assassination by Argentinian Death Squads but escaped only to be sold as a slave to the Catholic Church. Revealing to the world that his name was Maximus Pontifex Cornelius, he recounted how he started out as a deacon and fought death matches to climb the ranks of spiritual shepherds to claim the title of Papal Pontiff.

Are you not entertained?” he yelled to the stunned crowd of believers, then repeated indignantly, “Are you not entertained? These clothes! The pompousness of the Vatican! This is not why you are here? Or are you here for the Word of God and all the humility needed to bow down before him in prayer?”

Removing his zucchetto, known as the Catholic yarmulke, Maximus Pontifex offered his homily, “May God forgive you if you miss the simplicity of His love for the gaudiness of a Church that cares more about ceremony than spirituality! Also, if you get a chance, go see Russell Crowe in ‘Noah’! Go two by two if you have to. It was great!”

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